MORNING RAMBLINGS OF A GRUMPY BEAR
A favorite part of my day is between 4-6 am. It's dark, still, quiet, peaceful--a good thing for a grumpy bear. Sometimes, my dog Shadow will take me for a walk. I'm resolving to let her do this far more often. This time of day is good medicine for one prone to feel bad about denying his dog the pure joy and adventure of walks with 'Daddy'. Shadow is about 6-7 years old but doesn't realize her puppy days are past. Too smart for her own good, amazingly fast, close to fearless, she digs life. Well, she likes it more when "Michael', my son is here. He's with us 60 % of the time. You know, divorce means kids ping pong back and forth between Mom's and Dad's.
Outrageous indeed, is the thought that kids ought be able to stay put in one house, leaving it to Mom and Dad to live out of bags, feeling whatever it is kids feel about such arrangements. I know they don't like it. It would be cool to have a video of the reactions of my ex, lawyers, all the family court people, --virtually everyone--when I proposed the 'kids stay in the house' idea. This was evidence enough that allegations that I was "psychotic, delusional, dangerous, violent, paranoid, threatening, intimidating, incapable of care or compassion for his children, a bully who brainwashes his kids, is trying to get his son to commit suicide, has such control of his wife that she writes prescriptions dictated by him for their kids and other people, he is even trying to control the Judge, manipulates the police to do his dirty work", blah, blah, blah......essentially I wielded such power that world events were controlled by my thoughts...........and I was the identified wacko.
If you've been spared the experience of a nasty divorce, it's worth noting that the stuff in quotations can be found in child abuse investigation reports submitted to a Family Court Judge. These judges wield more power than Supreme Court Justices, people in the executive, and legislative branches of government. They have absolute power, smirk if a lawyer if silly enough to call attention to flagrant and reckless violations of established family court proceeding and the 'law'. They are accountable to no one. Anything goes including: "Well, last week some father killed a child, so I'm not taking any chances here. The children are to stay with the mother and Dr. Keough-you are only permitted to see your children under the strictest supervision level within Child Protective Services.
If they want to see you, it will be at the CPS building for 1 hour twice a month in the presence of a CPS worker. At no time are his children to be left alone with him--not for a second". My lawyer: "Your honor, there is absolutely nothing in the record to support this ruling. I must call your attention to previous CPS reports that demonstrates the mother has a history of binge drinking....and driving her children and their friends during 'black-out' drinking episodes, that the children find her to be undependable, unavailable, and.." Family Court judge interrupts: " Save it counselor,...yes, I know next thing coming is to inform me I am violating several statutes.....I don't care....file your complaint against me", etc. etc. A very boring, predictable, unremarkable event as things go in family courts.
Now, all this craziness (that was a tame glimpse of a 2 year ordeal that included 9 months of not seeing my kids till I proved my wife had filed a false complaint) ended 2.5 yers ago. Katie is at college. Michael doesn't came back here till tomorrow. Despite some pretty serious, sustained, and clever efforts to get used to not having my kids around, I'm not sure I've 'gotten over it', 'learned to live with it', 'see the bright side of it". Curiously, Shadow has never gotten used to it either. When the kids are around she has boundless energy and a tail that wags in her sleep. When Michael leaves, I watch her pretty quickly lose energy. She retreats to a place under a table in my bedroom so she can hear everything. Shadow's mood is directly tied to Michael's presence or absence. She knows the difference between him leaving to hang with friends vs. disappearing for a few days. On the days he returns to stay with us, she parks herself next to the front door almost precisely 10 minutes before Michael gets home from school.
So there are no misunderstandings, Shadow is certain I am God. She greets me everytime I come in, puts on her bummed out look each time I leave, and has her daily rhythms tied to mine. We go through the same routine. She shows up around 4-5 am, and herds me to the back door, with head motions and jaws moving instructing me to let her out. When I open the door, she steps back and nods to the food and water bowls, refusing to move till I fill them. Then she jumps on me using me as a pad to launch her out the door. She takes several spins around the yard, and comes back in every few minutes to make sure I am not planning to go anywhere. She loves Michael. Michael, at 17, still calls her the best possible dog in the world. They fight, play, cuddle, he uses her for a pillow.
However, every time he calls her, she gets up and sits directly in front of me like she is some Fu-Dog. She won't go over to him until I tell her to. Michael secretly thinks I have some special power or somehow trained her to do this. This dog can be barking in the back yard along with every other dog in the neighborhood---average 1.5 per house--but she turns on a dime, zips it and heads for the back door when she hears me through closed doors grunt "No bark". People are astonished. I'm bewildered by their astonishment. I carry on conversations with her. She is the daughter and I am 'Daddy' (yes, I need to pretend I have a kid with me and she is happy to oblige--no harm no foul)
We both enjoy torturing Michael---at 3 am I tell her to 'wake up Michael' and off she goes. Michael starts in with "Daaadddd". I tell him to shut the fock up or me and Shadow will both piss on his bed (this is how fathers and sons say "I love you")--he laughs---we leave till 6 am. Michael and I have discovered some of the cool things of having no women around. We can burp, fart, not clean up, (no cussing and old rules like that still apply), etc. We both take immense pleasure in going out on the back porch at night, rather than climb the steps to the bathroom, to water the bushes next to the deck. That is one of our bonding things. Sounds bizarre but it is sacred to us.
I've no idea why/how I got off on that tangent. Probably, helped me to get ungrumpy. DON'T LET THE POST ABOUT WOMEN FOOL YOU INTO THINKING I IDEALIZE WOMEN. Most of my close relationships with women including sisters, mother, ex-wife, etc. have been defined by not insignificant betrayals, attacks, and a particularly virulent type of meanness. I have no time for radical feminists babel. Please don't tell me that fathers are less capable than mothers as parents. I was the primary caretaker for both my children from birth. Mothers aren't more sensitive to their kids needs or better with them when they are sick. Daddy nursed Katie through a 2 month ruptured appendix ordeal---in and out of 3 different hospitalizations. Daddy prepared Katie for the vaginal examination at the ER, fumbling for words as she helped me. When she said 'hynum', I said "hymen". When she said " is that what people at school mean by getting your cherry popped" (my 15 year old daughter talking here....), I said--"Well, um, yeah, that's one way of putting it...yeah that's how kids describe it but let me come up with different words and get back to you". Daddy told the ER docs and every other damn physician it wasn't an 'ectopic pregnancy'----it was her damn appendix. Naturally, they treated me to meaningful looks when I informed them she wasn't sexually active. They wasted nearly 48 hours, her appendix ruptured, we went through 3 or 4 surgeries, she had part of her bowel cut out, truly almost lost her.....because how could a father know anything remotely useful. Daddy made sure they didn't flub the pain medicine after keeping my mouth shut against better judgment after round one. This was my baby girl and I was assuming command whether they liked it or not. They liked it because I saved their assess from losing my daughter and after seeing the father in the hospital room 24/7 vs. 'Mommy', they started to get the possibility that it was remotely possible than a father knew more about what needed to happen with his daughter than all of them combined.
Daddy sat up EVERY night all night with the pain and vomiting episodes that would last for 6 hours. When we were discharged, we went to my mother's house, and I put my head on a pillow next to her bed. EVERY night for 6 hours I 'fathered' her through hell. Daddy decided when to tell the specialists we were coming back to the hospital because they obviously had missed something. I was respectful but firm with the hospital staff----if you go into a damn hospital without knowing you need to know more than the medical folks-----God help you. I found some inoffensive way of telling them how she needed to be prepped for surgery, how to manage the nausea and pain and no sleep, and so on. I wasn't going to watch my daughter suffer unnecessarily just because insurance companies left too few nurses to care for too many patients. When Mommy did stop in, she would try to 'shush' me around the doctors and nurses. Even Katie told her to 'shush herself'. During rounds there would be 6-7 surgical residents in tow. The surgeon had the bedside manner of a bull.....bumping her bed all around throwing my daughter into spasms of pain....his way of waking her up. I blocked his path to her bed after his first mistake, and with my eyes told him I would wake her up, have things go smoothly, and not embarrass him in front of his residents if he kept his mouth shut. When the residents came alone, they instinctively knew to follow my lead, and we agreed to pretend they were telling me something I didn't know as I briefed them.
Why do I sound so angry about the whole thing ? Because I almost lost my daughter ! I was operating in a system that had nothing but contempt for fathers, seemed unaware that my job was to protect her, tried to dismiss me every way they could until they got it. Forget about a mother's protectiveness---fathers forgo the 'nice-nice' that could get someone killed or at a minimum result in needless terrible suffering. Enough of the media portrayals of men as idiots and fathers as dunces. Enough of mothers who don't protect their daughters from the hyper-sexualization of our culture and it's effects on our daughters. Enough of fathers that whine about their families not taking them seriously-----Chris Rock---if that is going down at your house--that is on you. Enough of women and mothers who have surrendered to the radical feminist agenda. We don't even realize how bizarre it is that the government has decided that every type of birth control can be given to 4th graders and up because any parent who'd disagree must be Pat Robertson. Enough with people not alarmed by the fact that 54 % of our 12-13 year olds engage in oral sex thinking it doesn't pose any health problems. Enough of the liberal lunatics who have taken the Scarlett letter and pinned it on any child who hasn't put out by the age of 14. Enough of the 'Deciders' deciding that moral, ethical, and religious principles have absolutely no connection to sexual behavior. Enough yapping about how much we love our children when are actions prove the opposite.
This father, this man has had enough. And there are plenty more like me and far worse. There is something stirring. Men are waking up. We aren't playing the 'be more like women if you want to be considered decent human beings". We have no interest in the expert babel of castrated social scientists--95 % self-identified liberals. We are not asking anyone's permission. We aren't suggesting or recommending that things change. We aren't interested in 'debating' lunacy in the public square with brain dead arrogant sheltered liberal elites. And we've no time for Pat Robertson or Dr. James Dodson either. Men and fathers are gonna return to center and hold the line. We won't be bullies, we won't be disrespectful, we don't want trouble. We don't care whether extremists on the left or right get hysterical. It's time for fathers to be fathers and men to be men. It's time for men to teach their sons how to be men. It's time for emasculated males to enter de-programming clinics.
Yes, I will tone it down. But, let the word go forth and let there be no mistake: CHANGE WE MUST to honor our ancestors, fulfill our sacred responsibilities to our children, be true to ourselves. So, changes are coming.
A simple prayer passed along by this grumpy Bear--oh---fathers can be as tender and gentle as mothers.
PRAYERSONG -Jon Anderson
Thou art mother, thou art father,
thou art friend and companion
Thou art knowledge and wealth,
thou art all in all
Lead us from the unreal to the real
Lead us form ignorance to light
lead us from death to immortality
Manifest through and through
Protect us with your sweet benign presence
We offer this meditation,
body, mind
and spirit
Past, present and future to be
for thou art all in all
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